Things have been gradually getting better for me the past few months, thanks to therapy and self-determination. I'm determined to keep this thing under control and to lead a relatively normal life.
That being said, I'm feeling really empty right now. I think what kind of triggered it was seing some new girls at Calgary's Trans Day of Remembrance. I didn't really feel it until later, but I started feeling bad again about being single.
When I got home, after warming up after freezing my fucking ass off after today's -20C temperature, I decided I needed to take a nap. It was hard trying to get to sleep, with my thoughts racing, but with the help of some warm blankets and my room's bright light above me, I got to sleep.
Now, when I woke up, instead of feeling bad about being single, I'm looking up flights and immigration info about Australia and New Zealand. Go figure.
dimanche 21 novembre 2010
lundi 23 août 2010
Up, Down, and All Around
At the moment I'm writing this, I'm feeling happy. Really happy. In fact, maybe a bit too happy.
You see, the thing with borderline is that our emotions tend to get amplified quite a bit. So if you're happy, then you can find yourself feeling rather ecstatic. If you're sad, you can get suicidal thoughts. If you're angry, you can throw things at people, etc. It's literally a magnifying glass for emotions.
So why am I feeling so good (yes, it's probably a good idea to ask why)? Well, I got a phone call today from a prospective employer. It would be a considerably short commute- 10 minutes vs. a minimum of 60 to my current job. They said they'd have the store manager call me back in a week or so. Of course, anything could happen, but right now I need to live for the moment.
It's been quite a change since two weeks ago. I had a panic attack at work. I got really stressed, locked myself somewhere secluded, and basically shut down. It was quite scary. When I got home, I cut myself on my legs so no one there would notice (alas, I forgot that it was summer and that I wear shorts, so I went out with Frankenstein's legs).
Now, the interesting thing is that my therapist considers me to be a "higher-functioning" borderline. I'm not sure if I agree or not. Yes, I can keep myself employed. Yes, I'm very careful with my money. But higher-functioning borderlines usually won't admit that there's a problem. And I damn well know that isn't the case with me. They also don't really cut. But I'm not exactly a lower-functioning borderline either (as I said, I can work and save money). So where does that leave me? Mid-functioning? Maybe. I can't handle the stress of retail management, but I can keep myself employed as an associate and get good performance reviews too. I also cut. I know there can be some overlap between higher and lower functioning, but me, I really seem to be on the borderline.
You see, the thing with borderline is that our emotions tend to get amplified quite a bit. So if you're happy, then you can find yourself feeling rather ecstatic. If you're sad, you can get suicidal thoughts. If you're angry, you can throw things at people, etc. It's literally a magnifying glass for emotions.
So why am I feeling so good (yes, it's probably a good idea to ask why)? Well, I got a phone call today from a prospective employer. It would be a considerably short commute- 10 minutes vs. a minimum of 60 to my current job. They said they'd have the store manager call me back in a week or so. Of course, anything could happen, but right now I need to live for the moment.
It's been quite a change since two weeks ago. I had a panic attack at work. I got really stressed, locked myself somewhere secluded, and basically shut down. It was quite scary. When I got home, I cut myself on my legs so no one there would notice (alas, I forgot that it was summer and that I wear shorts, so I went out with Frankenstein's legs).
Now, the interesting thing is that my therapist considers me to be a "higher-functioning" borderline. I'm not sure if I agree or not. Yes, I can keep myself employed. Yes, I'm very careful with my money. But higher-functioning borderlines usually won't admit that there's a problem. And I damn well know that isn't the case with me. They also don't really cut. But I'm not exactly a lower-functioning borderline either (as I said, I can work and save money). So where does that leave me? Mid-functioning? Maybe. I can't handle the stress of retail management, but I can keep myself employed as an associate and get good performance reviews too. I also cut. I know there can be some overlap between higher and lower functioning, but me, I really seem to be on the borderline.
jeudi 5 août 2010
The Things I Do For Sanity
Last night, I had a meeting with a therapist at the Sheldon Chumir Medical Centre downtown. It was basically a long interview to see if group therapy would be right for me. It would be a big change in the psychotherapeutic dynamic for me, because, with the exception of my going to a trans support group here in Calgary, I've always had my therapy one-on-one, with little to no structure. Group therapy would be completely different. In addition to having to drop my current therapist (who's been wonderful for me, literally bringing me out of crisis), I might not have much support should a crisis re-occur. I almost never use it, the last time being when my father passed away last year, but I still like the option. We'll see what happens.
So what's this "borderline" thing anyway? Wikipedia describes it as "described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person, characterized by depth and variability of moods". The Simple English Wikipedia actually summarizes it better: "People diagnosed with BPD might have strong mood swings, see things as "all good" or "all bad" (splitting), and be confused about their identity. They might have a lot of trouble with relationships with other people". This was just like finding out I was trans; I always was, I just never knew it. The diagnosis was like finding the last piece of a puzzle I've been trying to finish for years.
What do borderlines go through then? The DSM-IV (North America's mental health diagnosis guide) lists nine symptoms of BPD, of which a minimum of five must be present for the diagnosis to be made. They are:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Simple English Wikipedia simplifies it a bit:
1. Trying very hard to stop feeling abandoned
2. A pattern of trouble in relationships, often thinking that other people are much better or much worse than they really are
3. Being confused about personal identity
4. Being impulsive in ways that are dangerous (like casual sex, drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs, not eating or eating too much, driving dangerously)
5. Trying to commit suicide, or self injury (like cutting)
6. Mood swings - feeling very happy, sad or anxious, for hours at a time
7. Feeling empty inside
8. Feeling very angry, getting into fights
9. Having delusions or being paranoid
#1 is something I've done; I'll take public transit an hour and a half to the other side of the city to visit someone unannounced if they've suddenly gone incommunicado.
#2 shows its ugly head at work most of all, in particular with my boss. He'll do or say something I don't agree with and I'll stab him in the back to get back at him.
#3 is there; I went from changing to Canadian spelling, to wanting to immigrate to Quebec and being ashamed of being an anglophone, to wanting to keep American spelling when I write.
#4 is iffy; it's hard for a virgin to have unprotected sex, and I don't drink or do drugs.
#5 is a definite have; I have a history of self harm; not that much mind you, but it's still there.
#6 I have big time! My moods will persist for quite a while.
#7 I not only have, but it's been really dangerous for me, making me want to leave Montreal and move to New Jersey, and made me move to Calgary. Even though I have a job, I'm still looking on Monster for job openings.
#8 is triggered both at work and elsewhere. I can yell at co-workers or throw things down angrily when my boss pisses me off, and I can tell somebody off on the street.
#9 happens when I get stressed, and it usually happens at work. I start to dissociate, which is like when everything slows down and it's like watching a movie of yourself.
The one good thing in my situation is that I don't have the disorder as bad as many others do; my arms don't have scarring from cutting, nor have I tried to commit suicide. I have done self-harm though; I hit my head on walls when I was young and I scratched my arm intentionally several times this year in order to bring relief. I also get the occasional impulse to kill myself. I've also somehow managed to not be hospitalized, although I've come close.
Granted, everybody can act a little borderline every now and then, but some of us are more borderline than others.
So what's this "borderline" thing anyway? Wikipedia describes it as "described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person, characterized by depth and variability of moods". The Simple English Wikipedia actually summarizes it better: "People diagnosed with BPD might have strong mood swings, see things as "all good" or "all bad" (splitting), and be confused about their identity. They might have a lot of trouble with relationships with other people". This was just like finding out I was trans; I always was, I just never knew it. The diagnosis was like finding the last piece of a puzzle I've been trying to finish for years.
What do borderlines go through then? The DSM-IV (North America's mental health diagnosis guide) lists nine symptoms of BPD, of which a minimum of five must be present for the diagnosis to be made. They are:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
Simple English Wikipedia simplifies it a bit:
1. Trying very hard to stop feeling abandoned
2. A pattern of trouble in relationships, often thinking that other people are much better or much worse than they really are
3. Being confused about personal identity
4. Being impulsive in ways that are dangerous (like casual sex, drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs, not eating or eating too much, driving dangerously)
5. Trying to commit suicide, or self injury (like cutting)
6. Mood swings - feeling very happy, sad or anxious, for hours at a time
7. Feeling empty inside
8. Feeling very angry, getting into fights
9. Having delusions or being paranoid
#1 is something I've done; I'll take public transit an hour and a half to the other side of the city to visit someone unannounced if they've suddenly gone incommunicado.
#2 shows its ugly head at work most of all, in particular with my boss. He'll do or say something I don't agree with and I'll stab him in the back to get back at him.
#3 is there; I went from changing to Canadian spelling, to wanting to immigrate to Quebec and being ashamed of being an anglophone, to wanting to keep American spelling when I write.
#4 is iffy; it's hard for a virgin to have unprotected sex, and I don't drink or do drugs.
#5 is a definite have; I have a history of self harm; not that much mind you, but it's still there.
#6 I have big time! My moods will persist for quite a while.
#7 I not only have, but it's been really dangerous for me, making me want to leave Montreal and move to New Jersey, and made me move to Calgary. Even though I have a job, I'm still looking on Monster for job openings.
#8 is triggered both at work and elsewhere. I can yell at co-workers or throw things down angrily when my boss pisses me off, and I can tell somebody off on the street.
#9 happens when I get stressed, and it usually happens at work. I start to dissociate, which is like when everything slows down and it's like watching a movie of yourself.
The one good thing in my situation is that I don't have the disorder as bad as many others do; my arms don't have scarring from cutting, nor have I tried to commit suicide. I have done self-harm though; I hit my head on walls when I was young and I scratched my arm intentionally several times this year in order to bring relief. I also get the occasional impulse to kill myself. I've also somehow managed to not be hospitalized, although I've come close.
Granted, everybody can act a little borderline every now and then, but some of us are more borderline than others.
mercredi 28 juillet 2010
The Continuation of Julie-Anne's Life Story!
Wow, two years later and I still haven't put something up here! I really don't consider myself a procrastinator, but this is just pathetic.
Four big things have happened since that first post two days ago.
Big event #1: my father passed away last year. It really hits home when the man who gave you his undying love, compassion, and support passes away (especially since he paid for my college education and my surgery). I'm mostly back to normal now, but for reasons that will be explained later, the lack of his support hasn't been good for my health.
Big event #2: I started university! I started my studies at Concordia University in Montreal. I originally wanted to major in psychology, but I couldn't get in, so I had to settle on my third choice: French. I eventually switched schools to study psychology (detailed in the next note).
Big event #3: I moved to Calgary! Yep, I left La belle province for Wild Rose Country. As I started to describe in note #1, the absence of my father's support really made me feel empty. I also wanted to be closer to my mother and, to tell you the truth, I just needed a change. I also switched schools to Mount Royal University, where I got into psychology, although I ended up dropping out of the program later on to become an open studies student.
Big event #4: my mental health. I've thought for a while now that there's been something odd about me. Like I'm going crazy or something. Yeah, I know, could I possibly be more general? As I mentioned above, I was studying psychology at Mount Royal, where I took a course in abnormal psychology. It was at this time that I could feel myself literally going downhill, so I went through my notes and textbook to see what was up with me. I went over the notes of a visit to see a psychologist when I was 8 years old, as well as many hours in front of the computer, on the net. I eventually got all my ducks in a row and saw a psychologist at school and gave her my theory. She initially discounted it, suggesting simple depression and med student syndrome. But when I started cutting myself, and my doctor at school concurred, she started to reconsider. To make a long story short, I suffer from borderline personality disorder.
In the next blog, I'll discuss my struggle against, well, myself.
Four big things have happened since that first post two days ago.
Big event #1: my father passed away last year. It really hits home when the man who gave you his undying love, compassion, and support passes away (especially since he paid for my college education and my surgery). I'm mostly back to normal now, but for reasons that will be explained later, the lack of his support hasn't been good for my health.
Big event #2: I started university! I started my studies at Concordia University in Montreal. I originally wanted to major in psychology, but I couldn't get in, so I had to settle on my third choice: French. I eventually switched schools to study psychology (detailed in the next note).
Big event #3: I moved to Calgary! Yep, I left La belle province for Wild Rose Country. As I started to describe in note #1, the absence of my father's support really made me feel empty. I also wanted to be closer to my mother and, to tell you the truth, I just needed a change. I also switched schools to Mount Royal University, where I got into psychology, although I ended up dropping out of the program later on to become an open studies student.
Big event #4: my mental health. I've thought for a while now that there's been something odd about me. Like I'm going crazy or something. Yeah, I know, could I possibly be more general? As I mentioned above, I was studying psychology at Mount Royal, where I took a course in abnormal psychology. It was at this time that I could feel myself literally going downhill, so I went through my notes and textbook to see what was up with me. I went over the notes of a visit to see a psychologist when I was 8 years old, as well as many hours in front of the computer, on the net. I eventually got all my ducks in a row and saw a psychologist at school and gave her my theory. She initially discounted it, suggesting simple depression and med student syndrome. But when I started cutting myself, and my doctor at school concurred, she started to reconsider. To make a long story short, I suffer from borderline personality disorder.
In the next blog, I'll discuss my struggle against, well, myself.
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