Mutual Responsibility

(note: the following is my reply to a user to this article)

It's certainly understandable to be pissed about the states of trans rights not just here in Canada but pretty much anywhere in the world. As a lesbian transwoman, I'm not just one but two letters in the rainbow spectrum. It's not all that difficult for me, because I find it offers me two perspectives.

Have we been left to fend for ourselves? That's a hard question to answer. I'll use the case of trans-related legal cases as an example. Officially, it doesn't appear so, as virtually every other agency that caters to the rest of the rainbow community caters to us too; something that they mention in their mission statements and program information. At least in the U.S., several groups have launched trans-related lawsuits, for example, one case in New York City, where the city is being sued to change birth certificates without surgery.

But has it happened anyway? These organizations COULD do more to help the trans community. Trans people in Idaho, Ohio, and Tennessee still can't get their birth certificates changed after surgery. Legal cases could get the ball rolling here.

In terms of individual attitudes, I find the rainbow community as a whole to be very inclusive of us. In any group in the world, there will always be bad apples. You just have to avoid them if you want to make an apple pie.

Wow, what a day of coincidences! First, that sexist door-to-door salesman that came over selling western Canada's major cable company's services the day that I actually signed up for cable internet, and now I find out it's been exactly three months since I've written anything here!

And what a three months it's been! Quit my job that I hated, flew down to Arizona to spend the holidays with my mother, went with her and the dog to Vegas (for the first time!), flew back, and landed an awesome job that I really love. So there you have it- the reason I've been absent.

I still have my moments though. Last week, I finally finished watching Sex Change Hospital, a six-part documentary about getting SRS/GRS and related procedures. One of the girls featured on the final episode reminded me of someone I had feelings for. I felt sad and needed to cry. I called my mother that night, which really helped.

In any event, my new job is helping with the emptiness. I get paid well, and am saving up to get implants done, tentatively for next winter, just in time for my ten-year anniversary of the major operation! :-)

Running on Empty

Things have been gradually getting better for me the past few months, thanks to therapy and self-determination. I'm determined to keep this thing under control and to lead a relatively normal life.

That being said, I'm feeling really empty right now. I think what kind of triggered it was seing some new girls at Calgary's Trans Day of Remembrance. I didn't really feel it until later, but I started feeling bad again about being single.

When I got home, after warming up after freezing my fucking ass off after today's -20C temperature, I decided I needed to take a nap. It was hard trying to get to sleep, with my thoughts racing, but with the help of some warm blankets and my room's bright light above me, I got to sleep.

Now, when I woke up, instead of feeling bad about being single, I'm looking up flights and immigration info about Australia and New Zealand. Go figure.

Up, Down, and All Around

At the moment I'm writing this, I'm feeling happy. Really happy. In fact, maybe a bit too happy.

You see, the thing with borderline is that our emotions tend to get amplified quite a bit. So if you're happy, then you can find yourself feeling rather ecstatic. If you're sad, you can get suicidal thoughts. If you're angry, you can throw things at people, etc. It's literally a magnifying glass for emotions.

So why am I feeling so good (yes, it's probably a good idea to ask why)? Well, I got a phone call today from a prospective employer. It would be a considerably short commute- 10 minutes vs. a minimum of 60 to my current job. They said they'd have the store manager call me back in a week or so. Of course, anything could happen, but right now I need to live for the moment.

It's been quite a change since two weeks ago. I had a panic attack at work. I got really stressed, locked myself somewhere secluded, and basically shut down. It was quite scary. When I got home, I cut myself on my legs so no one there would notice (alas, I forgot that it was summer and that I wear shorts, so I went out with Frankenstein's legs).

Now, the interesting thing is that my therapist considers me to be a "higher-functioning" borderline. I'm not sure if I agree or not. Yes, I can keep myself employed. Yes, I'm very careful with my money. But higher-functioning borderlines usually won't admit that there's a problem. And I damn well know that isn't the case with me. They also don't really cut. But I'm not exactly a lower-functioning borderline either (as I said, I can work and save money). So where does that leave me? Mid-functioning? Maybe. I can't handle the stress of retail management, but I can keep myself employed as an associate and get good performance reviews too. I also cut. I know there can be some overlap between higher and lower functioning, but me, I really seem to be on the borderline.

The Things I Do For Sanity

Last night, I had a meeting with a therapist at the Sheldon Chumir Medical Centre downtown. It was basically a long interview to see if group therapy would be right for me. It would be a big change in the psychotherapeutic dynamic for me, because, with the exception of my going to a trans support group here in Calgary, I've always had my therapy one-on-one, with little to no structure. Group therapy would be completely different. In addition to having to drop my current therapist (who's been wonderful for me, literally bringing me out of crisis), I might not have much support should a crisis re-occur. I almost never use it, the last time being when my father passed away last year, but I still like the option. We'll see what happens.

So what's this "borderline" thing anyway? Wikipedia describes it as "described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person, characterized by depth and variability of moods". The Simple English Wikipedia actually summarizes it better: "People diagnosed with BPD might have strong mood swings, see things as "all good" or "all bad" (splitting), and be confused about their identity. They might have a lot of trouble with relationships with other people". This was just like finding out I was trans; I always was, I just never knew it. The diagnosis was like finding the last piece of a puzzle I've been trying to finish for years.

What do borderlines go through then? The DSM-IV (North America's mental health diagnosis guide) lists nine symptoms of BPD, of which a minimum of five must be present for the diagnosis to be made. They are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

Simple English Wikipedia simplifies it a bit:

1. Trying very hard to stop feeling abandoned
2. A pattern of trouble in relationships, often thinking that other people are much better or much worse than they really are
3. Being confused about personal identity
4. Being impulsive in ways that are dangerous (like casual sex, drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs, not eating or eating too much, driving dangerously)
5. Trying to commit suicide, or self injury (like cutting)
6. Mood swings - feeling very happy, sad or anxious, for hours at a time
7. Feeling empty inside
8. Feeling very angry, getting into fights
9. Having delusions or being paranoid

#1 is something I've done; I'll take public transit an hour and a half to the other side of the city to visit someone unannounced if they've suddenly gone incommunicado.
#2 shows its ugly head at work most of all, in particular with my boss. He'll do or say something I don't agree with and I'll stab him in the back to get back at him.
#3 is there; I went from changing to Canadian spelling, to wanting to immigrate to Quebec and being ashamed of being an anglophone, to wanting to keep American spelling when I write.
#4 is iffy; it's hard for a virgin to have unprotected sex, and I don't drink or do drugs.
#5 is a definite have; I have a history of self harm; not that much mind you, but it's still there.
#6 I have big time! My moods will persist for quite a while.
#7 I not only have, but it's been really dangerous for me, making me want to leave Montreal and move to New Jersey, and made me move to Calgary. Even though I have a job, I'm still looking on Monster for job openings.
#8 is triggered both at work and elsewhere. I can yell at co-workers or throw things down angrily when my boss pisses me off, and I can tell somebody off on the street.
#9 happens when I get stressed, and it usually happens at work. I start to dissociate, which is like when everything slows down and it's like watching a movie of yourself.

The one good thing in my situation is that I don't have the disorder as bad as many others do; my arms don't have scarring from cutting, nor have I tried to commit suicide. I have done self-harm though; I hit my head on walls when I was young and I scratched my arm intentionally several times this year in order to bring relief. I also get the occasional impulse to kill myself. I've also somehow managed to not be hospitalized, although I've come close.

Granted, everybody can act a little borderline every now and then, but some of us are more borderline than others.

The Continuation of Julie-Anne's Life Story!

Wow, two years later and I still haven't put something up here! I really don't consider myself a procrastinator, but this is just pathetic.

Four big things have happened since that first post two days ago.

Big event #1: my father passed away last year. It really hits home when the man who gave you his undying love, compassion, and support passes away (especially since he paid for my college education and my surgery). I'm mostly back to normal now, but for reasons that will be explained later, the lack of his support hasn't been good for my health.

Big event #2: I started university! I started my studies at Concordia University in Montreal. I originally wanted to major in psychology, but I couldn't get in, so I had to settle on my third choice: French. I eventually switched schools to study psychology (detailed in the next note).

Big event #3: I moved to Calgary! Yep, I left La belle province for Wild Rose Country. As I started to describe in note #1, the absence of my father's support really made me feel empty. I also wanted to be closer to my mother and, to tell you the truth, I just needed a change. I also switched schools to Mount Royal University, where I got into psychology, although I ended up dropping out of the program later on to become an open studies student.

Big event #4: my mental health. I've thought for a while now that there's been something odd about me. Like I'm going crazy or something. Yeah, I know, could I possibly be more general? As I mentioned above, I was studying psychology at Mount Royal, where I took a course in abnormal psychology. It was at this time that I could feel myself literally going downhill, so I went through my notes and textbook to see what was up with me. I went over the notes of a visit to see a psychologist when I was 8 years old, as well as many hours in front of the computer, on the net. I eventually got all my ducks in a row and saw a psychologist at school and gave her my theory. She initially discounted it, suggesting simple depression and med student syndrome. But when I started cutting myself, and my doctor at school concurred, she started to reconsider. To make a long story short, I suffer from borderline personality disorder.

In the next blog, I'll discuss my struggle against, well, myself.

Julie-Anne's First Blog Entry and Life Story (so far)

I started life in Wakefield, Massachusetts for my first eighteen years. At nineteen, I officially transitioned from full-time boy to full-time girl. I speak English, je parle français, und ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch.

I graduated from high school in June 2001, being a real mouton noir (black sheep, or maybe it's better to say mouton blanc, white sheep). I was supposed to wear a red gown like "all the other boys" but wore a white one instead, just like all the other girls.

So in September 2001 until December 2003, I was in college. A fellow student asked me if I'd help reactivate the GLBT group, I agreed, and that was pretty much my legacy there...

In January 2002, I travelled to Montreal for my SRS. I was in such awe at how different the culture was- a culture that was very open-minded, accepting of change, and its overwhelming diversity. I resolved right there and then to make it my new home.

I took a couple of French courses back in Boston later that year, and in January 2004, I took my first French course in Montreal, conducted exclusively in French. A few months later, I graduated from college with my associate college diploma in computer technology.

I went back to Wakefield in April 2004 to help my family move to Arizona, where they retired. In September 2004, I moved back to Montreal to continue learning French. From then until September 2005 was when I made most of my friends. All of my friends live in Quebec and either don't speak English, or my French is better than their English. I had to move back to the US in September 2005 because I needed work experience to immigrate to Quebec.

I moved in with family in Allenstown, New Hampshire. Talk about the middle of fucking nowhere! Most of the businesses aren't accessible by sidewalks, so if you don't drive (like I didn't) you basically have to take your life into your own hands and walk on the small highway or the back road (which are both equally dangerous). That's where I learned to drive. Then the town's cops screwed their records up and arrested my brother... for a parking ticket he paid. The assistant district attorney quickly found out what happened, and got things "straightened out".

So, what did I do there? From September 2005 until November 2005, I was looking for work. I wanted to work with my brother, but his company had this bitch in charge of human resources, whom didn't hire anyone before she was asked to resign. In the meantime, I finally found a job at Wal-Mart in nearby Concord. I got to bring in shopping carriages. And at the end, January 2006, I got pneumonia, and thankfully, a new job at my brother's job.

So what did I do there? Well, if you've ever called an 800 number you saw on TV late at night, you might have gotten to talk with me. I did that for six months, until 20 July, 2006, when I left to prepare to move to Saint Albans, Vermont.

I chose Saint Albans because it's close to the border and Burlington, so I could visit my friends in Montreal every couple of weeks, while waiting for the immigration stuff. It's not a bad place, really. A quaint downtown, plus the beautiful mountains and Lake Champlain. And it's closer to Canada than to Burlington (where I worked) ! :-)

I worked at Sears, a 26-mile (42km) drive south. A nice ride three seasons out of four. The fourth season, winter, is a different story. The roads can be absolutely treacherous (especially if you don't have winter tires).

One awesome thing I wasn't expecting at Sears: I worked with two other trans girls (and there was a third towards the end of my stay in Vermont).

At Sears, I did merchandising, which is basically putting up and taking down signs, as well as doing price changes. From September 2006 until May 2007, I did that in the softlines (clothing, costume jewelry, and bed, bath, and kitchen) part-time.

I had to get another part time job to make ends meet. I made the mistake of having a $600 place plus no electricity (almost nothing) or gas heat (easily $200 during the winter). I ended up working at the Price Chopper (a supermarket) close to my mother job. I started in seafood (coming home smelling like fish... yummy) and transferred to bagging groceries at the checkout.

Now, the bad thing is that while I could now make ends meet, I was earning just enough to make me ineligible for medicaid, despite the fact that neither of my jobs offered health insurance. Not fun. If anything major happened to me, I would have been seriously fucked.

In May 2007, I got a promotion to full-time at Sears doing the same things, but working in hardlines (hardware, lawn and garden, electronics, and appliances). I also had to restock merchandise. Not only was I able to get rid of my supermarket job, but I was able to get my medicaid back.

Then in July 2007, I went to New York for my immigration interview at the Quebec Consulate at Rockefeller Plaza. It didn't go well. According to her opinion, I was a few points shy of meeting the cutoff, because I haven't gone to university yet, plus she said my French was "only intermediate". But she said she would try.

It's not a pleasant experience to see one of your life's goals suddenly explode in front of your eyes. I went to the ladies' room at Rockefeller Plaza, got myself together (I didn't lose it, but I wasn't that far) and made a new goal. During my trip, I was in awe of New York. It was my frist visit there in my life and I've always wanted to go since I was a child. My new goal: move to New York. That was basically what I had accepted for the next three weeks. I came back from work three weeks after my interview with a large envelope from Immigration Quebec waiting for me. Figuring it was a denial with my right to appeal, I opened it. Enclosed was my CAQ (Certificat de sélection du Québec). I was accepted.

In August 2007, my lease finally expired, and I found a room for rent just two houses up. $400 all included except for phone and cable internet (why Verizon's internet division thinks that place doesn't exist is beyond me). Now I could put some money in the bank for the next move to Montreal.

Then in October 2007, I got promoted back downstairs as team leader, doing my old job, plus management tasks. I also became eligible for private health insurance. Then in February 2008, I got asked for my passport by the Canadian Consulate for my PR visa and a couple of weeks later, I was cleared to move here. Bye-bye Sears, time to look for somewhere to live in Montreal.

It's certainly not easy deciding to leave your country. However, I do have to do what is in my best interests and objectives for the future.

Since I've been here (landed 22 March, 2008), I've taken a full-time French course for immigrants from the Quebec government. I got a certificate of completion and I'm now ready to work.

I've also figured out what I want to do in the future. I want to become a nurse. I've always felt a need to pay back the medical community for what it's done for me, and I've found that's the best option for me.

Then a concern cropped up. Once I get my BSN, I'm going to have to take a test to prove my abilities in French. I've taken courses conducted in French, so normally that wouldn't concern me. However, this test apparently requires prospective Quebec nurses to have university-level aptitude in the language. A few years ago, two fully-bilingual nurses working at one of the English hospitals here were fired because they failed the exam. The same thing happened to a multilingual dentist in the Outaouais. I found a practice exam and I was like: What. The. Fuck?!

So here's the plan. I'm going to take the basic courses someone with no science background (me) needs to get into a university nursing program. Biology, chemistry, physics, calculus, etc. About five years from now, I'll get my BSN from McGill. Then I'll probably leave Quebec.

Where to? Well, I've found a ton of trans girls in New York on YouTube, not to mention I think things will be considerably improved (universal health care, better access to education, basic GLBT rights) by the time I graduate. I think that's my next project.